….And Then I Died
James 4:14
“Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.”
I’ve spent the last 16 years celebrating my birthday outside of the United States. It’s become a fun birthday tradition to celebrate somewhere much warmer than Iowa. In fact, Iowa is coming off its snowiest February on record…ever! So, it was especially enjoyable to get away this year.
My 48th birthday was no different as my husband Joe and I vacationed on Long Island, Bahamas. One of the remote Out Islands of the Bahamas, Long Island provided the perfect seclusion we were looking for. It never occurred to me when I woke up that I may not be blowing out my birthday candles by the end of the day.
A gorgeous morning sunrise on my birthday!
Being a Pisces, I love being on the water. I usually select a water excursion of some kind for my actual birthday activity when we are on vacation. Upon arrival on Long Island, we discovered it’s a bit windier at this time of year. Winds were around 15-18 mph making for rough seas. On the wide-open ocean, winds can feel much stronger without the interference of hills or other land masses to break down that wind. By comparison, an 18-mph wind in Long Island, would feel like a strong 25-mph wind back in Iowa. Yes, it feels that much stronger here.
The high winds altered our excursion timeline somewhat. We originally had deep sea fishing on the schedule shortly after our arrival. But the high winds continued to delay our fishing trip until finally, it pushed it out to my actual birthday. My “Wildlife Safari” birthday excursion would just have to wait as Joe wanted to get some fish to take home and have available during the remainder of our stay. Today’s catch would allow for a few delicious fish dinners in our condo.
Happy birthday to me! We woke up and found out the winds are still 15 mph but it’s a little calmer than the day before. Each day the winds are supposed to lessen. We went forward with our plans hoping it would lay down as the day went on taking all precautions for seasickness.
Even though we are avid fishermen, Joe and I both get seasick on the ocean. This is not a problem on our lakes back home, even on the windiest of days. But for whatever reason, there’s just something about the motion of the ocean that gets us both queasy. Wisely we had brought Dramamine with us. Factoring in today’s winds, I took one when I got up that morning, another before we left the condo, and one when we were loading the boat.
Leaving the dock for today’s fishing trip at 6:30am, we traveled through some beautiful blue, tranquil water that I wished we could have fished in. But the deeper ocean water is where we will find the tuna, Mahi Mahi and wahoo we were hoping to catch. Unfortunately, it’s much rougher out there on the open sea.
Our fishing boat “Blessing” in the background as we get ready to head out
As we hit the deeper blue ocean depths, we soon discovered how harsh the conditions were. To catch the larger fish we were after, you do not sit in one place and fish. Instead you throw out fishing lines and troll until something snags your bait.
We had left the safety of the calm flats behind and I now felt like I was on an amusement park ride. The waves were so turbulent that the boat slammed down with such force. Up, down, BAM! Up, down, BAM! It was brutal. That wild ride went on for what felt like an eternity as we traveled out to sea and began our trolling.
I wasn’t feeling the best and seasickness had definitely kicked in despite several doses of Dramamine. Suddenly a fish hit the line! At this point, I hoped reeling in a fish would take my mind off my seasickness. The fish put up a good fight although it turned out to be a smaller Barracuda. Charles, our guide, also caught a very pretty Trigger fish by using a simple line he dropped to the bottom on what is called a “yo-yo”. He threw both fish into the cooler and we continued on.
Clearly, I had misjudged the severity of the waves. At this point, I was afraid to take another Dramamine as I was concentrating very hard on not vomiting.
By 8:30am, I had to pull the plug. We were getting tossed around violently and it was relentless while we were trolling. Even Joe had difficulty taking photos of my barracuda without losing his balance and dropping the camera. Looking back, I’m not sure how well we would have done fishing that day. Most of the time, I had my hand on the boat holding on tightly because the boat was tipped in a vertical position as it bounced up and down wave after wave. Reeling in a fish while maintaining my balance would be quite a feat. Our fishing guides are used to this kind of turbulence but we don’t have the sea legs they do. Our balance wasn’t quite as adept.
When suddenly, my seasickness took a very abrupt turn. A harmless medical condition suddenly appeared out of nowhere and in that moment, knowing what was ahead, I realized this birthday might be my last.
Anatomy 101
We need to take a short pause in the story to explain what vasovagal is. The vagus nerve is the longest cranial nerve extending from the brain stem, interfacing with the heart, lungs and down to the colon. When the vagus nerve becomes over-stimulated, it causes dilation of the blood vessels resulting in a reduction of heart rate, breathing and thus, you lose consciousness. In layman’s terms, you faint. In fact, a large part of the population suffers from vasovagal and they don’t even know it. They think “oh, I just fainted.”
Vasovagal is extremely hereditary – my father has it. Joe has it and I’ve seen it in one of his aunts to know he also likely inherited it as well. Most people make the common mistake of assuming a simple fainting spell is just attributed to some random variable. But if you’ve fainted more than once in your life, if anyone in your family has fainted a few times, it’s highly likely vasovagal runs in your family. It’s not a coincidence.
Vasovagal is brought on by a variety of factors and for everyone, the triggers are different. My father’s is triggered by extreme pain when he has a pancreatitis attack. I’ve seen Joe’s triggered by pain when he was getting stitches and also from the combination of exhaustion, hunger and an IV in his arm prior to his colonoscopy.
My triggers are typically fatigue, hunger, dehydration and needles. These triggers for me usually have to be in combination (having at least 3) in order to bring on an attack. Having been born anemic, I’ve been stuck by needles hundreds of times since I was a baby to check my iron levels which then became a form of “trauma” in my childhood. That’s why needles are a trigger for me especially if they involve large blood draws from my arm.
In December 2016, I was to undergo a rather large blood draw which required me to fast as well as abstain from drinking liquids. Knowing my history, I tried to tell the nurse to lay me down due to my vasovagal tendencies. She assured me she would watch me but still kept me upright for the blood draw. Hungry, tired, dehydrated and the fact they were taking a large amount of blood meant I was not setting myself up for a successful experience. Sure enough, only a few seconds into the blood draw, a vasovagal episode came on.
I’ve experienced enough of these now to know exactly what is going to happen. These episodes usually happen rather quickly and most of the time, I barely have enough time to tell the person I am with that I’m going to pass out. Likewise, I had warned the nurse this would happen. If she had laid me down, it would have helped immensely as it would have counter-acted any blood pooling in my legs as a result of my blood vessels’ dilation. But at this point, the attack was already coming on and there was nothing I could do about it. Once I get to a “point of no return”, I just have to ride it out. I had barely gotten the words out “I’m going to pass out” and then I blacked out.
I woke up on the floor of the examination room. A few nurses were hovering trying to talk to me. For the first 15 seconds, I couldn’t move or speak as my brain was still reconnecting the dots of my motor functions. It’s a very odd thing to want to speak and not be able to do so. I also had a few convulsions while I was out. Not that I would know this. I’ve been told this before by the people who are with me what happens when I am unconscious. Again, this can be a common side effect of a more severe attack until the person is laid down (or falls down). Although to someone else who might not know what is going on, it would look like I was having a seizure.
They had taken my blood pressure prior to the blood draw and after re-taking it, my blood pressure had bottomed out dropping about 20 points in a matter of minutes as a result of the attack. My heart rate plummeted and I also threw up a couple of times. I had to stay at the doctor’s office for a half hour as they waited for my vitals to return safely enough for me to drive home. They wouldn’t let me go back to work and insisted that I work from home that day. It’s not like I didn’t warn the nurse! And from now on, it’s part of my medical chart in case anyone forgets – lay me down! Now that I know what my triggers are, I try very hard to ensure that I don’t experience them in that combination. And knowing this has helped me to avoid future attacks.
That in a nutshell is how vasovagal affects me personally. For the most part, vasovagal is not a life-threatening condition unless you happen to be in an environment where you can’t help yourself. Then your surroundings can become extremely dangerous. And on my birthday, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time when this hit me out of nowhere. That’s where our story picks back up.
The S.S. Minnow
After 2 hours of our fishing boat getting thrown about, I was trying very hard not to throw up which thankfully never happened. I had pulled the plug on our excursion although we hadn’t turned back yet as we were still pulling in lines.
I’ve never had a vasovagal episode as a result of extreme seasickness before. So, I had no idea this could even happen. I wasn’t tired, I ate breakfast that morning, and I’ve been drinking water. There were certainly no needles anywhere in the boat. None of my usual triggers were involved. So how could I possibly know this would happen?
Without warning, my seasickness suddenly changed to a vasovagal attack. It was that fast. The only reason I know what was happening is because I’ve had enough of these episodes to recognize the physical symptoms. My blood pressure dropped, my heart rate dropped, I could feel the color drain from my face and I started feeling light headed. This felt very similar to the December 2016 attack.
At the time this picture was taken, I did not realize help had arrived at the boat (notice the orbs in the upper left corner)
Once vasovagal sets in, everything progresses very quickly. I usually have around 10 seconds before I black out. In those 10 seconds, time seemed to slow down exponentially. I became very aware of what this meant and was extremely frightened. Our fishing guides (Charles and Teresa) as well as Joe knew I was feeling quite seasick. I didn’t tell them I was under a vasovagal attack as I knew our fishing guides wouldn’t know what that was nor did I feel like I could properly explain its medical definition in the precious 10-second countdown I was under.
At this point, they had me sitting at the back of the boat in case I needed to get sick. There were only 2 seats in the boat and I was in neither of them. I was sitting on the “live well” in the back. The live well is a giant cooler/box extending the width of the boat in which you throw the day’s catch whether that be conch, lobster or giant sailfish. The box also provided ample room to sit on, like a bench, but there was no way to secure or strap me in especially if I lost consciousness.
The nose of the boat was pointed upward at a sharp angle as we continued to ride over the oncoming waves before slamming back down. If I pass out, I’m either falling backwards into the prop or over the side of the boat. There’s no possible way I’m fainting inside the boat and staying there. I could barely keep my balance just hanging on let alone if I’m rendered unconscious.
Regardless if I fall off backwards or over the side, I’d surely drown because I’m usually out for a few minutes when this happens. I wasn’t wearing a life jacket. And even in the case when I do wake up, as I mentioned before, I can’t move or speak in those initial seconds while my brain is still reconnecting things.
How would Joe and Charles even get me in the boat? The very next day, we went out a second time spear fishing for lobster and I remember climbing into their boat. There was no deck or platform on the back of the boat. The small ladder at the back required a lot of exertion to pull myself up and over its tall sides to get myself back in. The next day I realized when climbing the ladder, Joe would have had an impossible task getting me back into the boat with the way the boat was built especially if I’m dead weight. It took all of my strength and balance just to use the ladder on my own.
In those 10 seconds, I had run through a complete assessment of how much danger I was in as my vision started to dim. I only had a few seconds to take myself out of this situation before blacking out. And we were at least 20 minutes, if not more, from calmer water. I’m never going to make it.
Psalm 23: “Yea though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me.”
At this point, I did the only thing I could do. I prayed as fast and as hard as I could: “Jesus please keep me awake. God please send your angels to surround me and keep me awake til we get back to land. I’m not ready to go yet.” Over and over, that’s the only thing I prayed without ceasing. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 When you are no longer in control and most of the time, I can’t control vasovagal once it gets to a certain point, you have to give control to the One source that CAN do something about it.
There is only one other time in my life that I felt I was in this level of danger. I was 21 years old and there was a man who I believed wanted to harm me. I prayed in that situation too. Help came mysteriously and swiftly, so it only stands to reason, prayer is the only thing that is going to get me out of this crisis.
It’s funny how I’ve done a lot of other things on my birthday that might seem more dangerous. On my 45th birthday, I swam with nurse sharks. On my 46th birthday I swam with black-tipped reef sharks in the middle of the ocean. But I was much safer swimming with those sharks than what was medically happening to me that day in the boat in those circumstances.
Those critical 10 seconds came and went although I was far from being out of danger. My body remained in severe distress as I now began to shake violently. Even looking down at my arms, I could visibly see them moving as I shook. Of course, I recognized this immediately. In my most severe attacks, these are the convulsions I experience. But this was something completely different as I have never been awake for this part. I’m always out when these occur. Amazed and terrified at the same time, I became very aware there was something much bigger going on in the boat that day.
Heading back – if only we could have fished in THIS water – so much calmer. It’s hard to believe only an hour earlier something so beautiful posed such an imminent threat.
A Birthday to Remember
I’ve been asked, did this ruin my birthday? Not at all! In what seemed like an eternity, we finally made it back to calmer waters and then the dock. I miraculously recovered quickly once back on land. Our fishing guides, Teresa and Charles, were extremely generous and offered to take us on their own non-tourist version of the island since we didn’t get the fishing trip we had hoped for.
We had a wonderful day exploring secret spots on the island that tourists can’t find on their own which I will be illustrating in my upcoming book. And what birthday would be complete without a tropical upside-down, pineapple birthday cake!
As I blew out my candles, it occurred to me celebrating a birthday is truly celebrating another year of life. It’s something that most of us take for granted. We groan about looking and feeling older as if we don’t realize what the alternative means of not having a birthday. I had a terrifying, amazing, unique birthday and I’m quite sure, I’m never going to have another one like this again.
Happy Birthday to me! Our guides Charles and Teresa did everything they could to make my alternate birthday outing special.
I’m sure there are times throughout our lives where divine intervention steps in and alters the outcome of events. Maybe we get cut off in traffic, have a near miss and avoid an accident. We’ll never truly know all the times when we are given invisible aid behind the scenes.
But that was not what happened on my birthday. Now, I didn’t see a light and go into a tunnel, I didn’t hear angels, and nobody spoke to me in the boat. But I can say without any doubt or exaggeration, what happened to me in the boat on my birthday was divine intervention. And no one is going to convince me otherwise. I honestly could have died. Somebody answered my prayers and saved my life that day.
I Love It When a Plan Comes Together
On my 45th birthday, we chartered a couple of fishing trips on Staniel Cay. This is another remote Out Island in the Bahamas. On the final fishing charter, it was so rough that day, that we later learned none of the other fishing guides took anyone out. We were the only ones to attempt it and we caught a mess of fish! The boat we chartered in Staniel Cay was even smaller – a 17-foot Boston Whaler. Compared to the 23-foot fishing boat we chartered today. It felt like the same amusement park ride which I describe in detail in my Staniel Cay book.
But more importantly, as rough as it was during that fishing charter on my 45th birthday, I didn’t feel a thing. I had no seasickness due to my Dramamine and no vasovagal reaction. Even Joe was starting to feel a bit queasy by the end of our fishing charter on Staniel Cay, and yet I was completely unaffected.
Why did my Dramamine work just fine on an equally turbulent day, in a smaller boat, compared to what happened on this trip? Why did I experience a severe vasovagal attack in response to seasickness that has never been a trigger before? These thought-provoking speculations only lead to more questions.
Is it possible my vasovagal reaction was supposed to happen? Isn’t it perceivable to think that God uses events in our lives to bring about change and direction? Most people don’t like the idea that they are not in control of these things. They insist these things are preventable and avoidable; that a mistake was made somewhere. Then again, who really knows. Nothing in this life is by chance or accident and admitting that is downright scary. We interpret the events of the day by known truths, not the unknown. 2 Corinthians 4:18
Look at back on your life to any significant, defining moment. Did it have a lasting impact or generate a change in your life? In fact, the Bible supports this theory that nothing is coincidence by telling us…
Psalm 139:16 “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
The infamous line from the 80’s hit TV show The A Team: “I love it when a plan comes together.” I sometimes laugh and wonder if God says that to himself as events unfold no matter how minor or significant they may be. What seems to be happenstance to us, may in fact, be part of a much grander plan. And while not everything is orchestrated by God as it pertains to evil in the world, we are assured that he causes all things to work together for good. Romans 8:28
Thumbs Up! Not sure if this was a coincidence, but Joe and I kept noticing clouds throughout the rest of our trip that looked like a thumbs up after today’s birthday event.
. . . . And Then I Died
How often do we take life too seriously and lose our perspective? An interesting psychology experiment uses the phrase “and then I died” in response to handling adversity. Let’s give it a try.
- I feel so overwhelmed. There’s too much work to do and not enough hours in a day to do it. I’m literally exhausted when I get home….and then I died.
- I made a huge mistake. Now my boss is going to think I’m incompetent. I’m so embarrassed…and then I died.
- I’ve been chronically ill for so long. No matter what I do, I can’t seem get my health back. It just keeps getting worse. I’m so tired of this. Some days I feel like giving up…and then I died.
Chances are if you think back in the past year about something that bothered you and you put this phrase on the end of it, would that change the way you felt about it? If that event was the very last thing to occur, would it suddenly look differently to you?
I play this mind game “and then I died” several times a week now. It’s no longer a hypothetical game of amusement to me. All I have to do is look at a picture of my birthday and then that scenario becomes very real. If things had gone differently that day in the boat, how much would I worry about who made me look bad, who was rude to me, or situations that are out of my control? Doesn’t that simple phrase change my reaction to life situations?
Certainly, I have a very different perspective on adversity. But that doesn’t mean I’m necessarily loosey goosey about everything either. On the contrary, having a clear perspective helps abruptly weed out what I don’t want in my life in a very definitive way. It also helps identify the true passion in my life and seek it out even more fervently.
I’ve dealt with chronic health issues, some of them serious, which can make a person ponder their own mortality. I’ve had people very close to me die that made me appreciate how short life is. But neither of these examples can compare to the wake-up call of what happened to me in the boat on my birthday. That level of awareness is in a whole other league by itself.
Talking to a few people who survived heart attacks and strokes, they relayed a shared understanding of that clarity as they didn’t know if they would make it out of the emergency room. Some of these people have retained that clarity; others have fallen back into old habits of complacency.
There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about what happened on the boat. If I find myself forgetting, I have plenty of photos to remind me. The thing is, I don’t want to forget. If I could give everyone I cared about a brush with death as a gift, I would. Yes, I actually just said that. Because you can’t simulate this kind of clarity. Wouldn’t we all lead different lives if we thought we might not live to see our next birthday? We’d all be better human beings if the threat of our mortality suddenly slapped us in the face in a come-to-Jesus moment.
Which leads me to the Birthday Challenge.
The Birthday Challenge
They say live every day as if it were your last. But a day seems too short to accomplish anything monumental. I’d like to revise that slightly: live every year as if were your last. Now that’s something to seriously consider.
Everyone gets complacent thinking I have all the time in the world. We go about living life business as usual. Our death is just some obscure date in the distant future. The sobering fact is, of all the people reading this blog, someone is not going to live to see their next birthday. That’s not being morbid, that’s just a fact. That was one possible outcome that never even occurred to me the morning I woke up on my birthday. That day could have ended very badly.
And so, I am going to propose this challenge: live your life from your upcoming birthday to the following birthday as if it were your last. What would you do differently? Would you spend your time in different ways? Would you travel someplace you always wanted to see? Would you learn a new hobby?
Now I’m not talking about anything irresponsible such as spending your life savings. But if you truly believed you had only one remaining year before your next birthday to live with purpose, how would that change your current actions or direction? Because one of these years, it’s not going to be a hypothetical what-if situation. It may not even be when you are old and gray.
I challenge you to see what you can accomplish or change in this upcoming year with that altered perspective in mind. You might be surprised how much value your life suddenly has. You may just decide to live your life that way every year from now on.
Birthday are a time to celebrate life. I hope this blog allows you to look at yours with a new appreciation and sense of purpose and urgency. Tomorrow is not promised.
Job 14:5 “Man’s days are determined; you (God) have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.”
